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Day 74
Day 74 post-blocking an abuser I dated for 2.5 years. He left me first despite the many attempts I did to keep him. I realized a pattern in this relationship, anxious attachment? Or obsession over a harmful person and a toxic relationship? I struggled to understand why I was holding on to him despite the crazzzy amount of red flags I noticed. Because he was a narcissist, I always felt like I am walking on eggshells, disrespecting me was an attitude, yet I kept obsessing over him. Honestly, looking back into the past, I used to think i will never survive without him, my mind was tricking me, I thought my life would stop, i sometimes felt physically sick when I thought of the breakup. I thought many times of breaking up first but couldn’t do it, he honestly did me a huge favor, not only because I have the chance to meet a better person, but because I learned about my own patterns. I’m fixing me today. After almost 2 months of breakup, I feel great, it’s definitely a roller coaster but guess what? I am still breathing. I wish he feels the pain he caused me to the heart. I’m sending love to everyone grieving over an abusive person. You will get through this.
Totally agree
Really helpful link I found
Can’t eat can’t sleep
On June 26, I said something very stupid to my boyfriend. I have a sleep in on topaMax as well but that’s no excuse. His 18-year-old daughter wants her 18-year-old friend to move into their small little house and her friend looks like my boyfriend‘s deceased ex his child’s mother. he asked me what my opinion was, and I’ve didn’t think it through and it’s probably because I’ve never been an experience where my child has lost their parents so I was very insensitive and I wasn’t thinking and I told him that I was a little insecure about having a young girl that looked like his ex moving in where you know they have to be passing each other by towels and stuff like that and I guess I was just not thinking right and of course you know that Alicia Silverstone movie popped into mind. I was very ignorant and I’m very sorry but of course he got upset and he decided not to talk to me for a few days understandably and then last Wednesday he broke up with me. I’ve apologize so many times now I have I apologize I have went and educated myself why that could be a sensitive subject. I know I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I talk to some wonderful people that helped explain why that hurt him But you know now he refuses to have anything really to do with me. Right now I’ve still have not decided if I wanted to go no contact but I’ve been watching his Snapchat score and it keeps going up and I’m pretty sure he’s talking to somebody else because here it is like three 4 AM and his scores are going up and if I send them anything, he doesn’t really open it. He has kind of talked a little bit. I wrote him a note with ChatGPT and I poured out my heart and I’m hoping to give it to him tomorrow. See if he will understand and maybe take me back but I really doubt it. I think that ship is sailed and then after that, I gotta decide whether to go no contact which makes me so sad because right before this happened. Everything was so perfect until I made that blunder and as bad as that blunder was, it seemed to erase 20 months of good memories and good times and anytime he needed me. I was there for him when his brother was homeless. I bought his brother hotel. I helped him with his Internet bill when it was out. I’ve helped him buy his car because that was his dream car I’ve done so much and I love this guy. You could just see in my face and I don’t think anybody could ever love him as much as I did and I know that sounds weird, but I really love the guy and he has put me through a lot, but I still looked at him like he was the most amazing man ever. Since June 26 I have not ate. I can’t even put myself to eat. I’m doing good at trying to at least keep some water down on me. I haven’t slept all but maybe five hours I have even gotten to the point that I don’t even really shower. My bedroom is a mess. My house is a mess. I don’t even get bed. I don’t even turn on the TV. I just sit there and watch my phone and hope he calls it sucks that he just discarded me and instead of him educating me about what was wrong with what I said because like I said, I haven’t experienced that type of thing. not making excuse for my behavior my speech. Does anybody have any suggestions how I can make this right again if I can make it right again… should I go no contact that would be probably less painful to see him chatting up with other girls but at the same time when we’ve always said, if we broke up, we will still be friends in there for each other but at this point, he doesn’t even seem to even care about me
Embracing life
Today I had a date, not a date-date, but I met a girl in a queue while waiting for appointment with my oncologist. We were talking, then had a coffee. She mentioned she liked me, asked me if I’m single and asked me out. I said she’s lovely but it’s wrong time as I’m still getting over painful break up and undergoing cancer treatment, and then she said she’s her diagnosis, triple negative breast cancer, she is terminally ill, but it doesn’t stop her from taking the most out of time she still has. To say it hit me hard is nothing. I’ve suddenly realised I was thinking I can’t go over a guy I was in serious relationship with, whom I had to plead to take me on a normal proper date 🤦🏼♀️ A complete stranger (beautiful, heartwarming, positive and adorable lady) in few hours taught me more about myself then I could ever imagine. I will remember her I think till the rest of my life, I will clearly remember her every time someone will fail to show up for me, or being there for me, or not making an effort. I mean every one knows that those who want are looking for opportunities and those who don’t are looking for excuses. I feel like I don’t care at all anymore about my ex 🥳
We Separated yesterday
A 3 year off an on relationship with this guy, he would break up with me only to come back to me. Even when we weren’t talking I still had feelings for him, and apparently he did too although he did nothing to show it. I also found out that he was dating someone else while he was talking to me and I allowed it although I knew that I wasn’t the priority, he would take her out to do things with her, introduced his now ex friends to her. He never did any of that with me. Although he thought I forgot about him telling me he dating someone else, I never did. After they broke up, he said that he wanted to be with me, and I thought things would be better but it only got worse. We used to talk often but randomly one day that communication decreased, from days to weeks and eventually a month, we’d go from talking almost everyday to talking one or twice a month. He would still reach out to me saying he likes me and wants to be with me, then another month saying he doesn’t want a relationship because his last one was “too much”. Then would reach out to me again and talk. Recently we both talked about our feelings again, he said that he thought I didn’t wanna talk to him again because we doing talk often, or he thought I didn’t like him anymore. I said I did but I said it’s inconsistency and laziness but didn’t I didn’t specify more about that. Then yesterday he unfollowed me, I asked why and he said that “idk rn about me and you, I still like you it’s just me rn tbh” “I thought that you didn’t wanna talk again because there’s nothing we can really talk about anymore” and that “it’s not your fault it’s just how it is sometimes and it’s okay” . I told him the reason why I’m talking less to him and suppressing my feelings is because he doesn’t show that he likes me and that we can’t just rely on textual communication to talk, if he did stuff with me then things would probably be different, he acknowledged that and said that’s it’s his issue and he is sorry and that he gets why I’ve been distant but doesn’t want to do anything about it and just essentially wants me to stay distant because he “doesn’t want to hurt me or anything” once he asked me if I still wanted something (as in being together) I said I do (although I know what answer I’ll get) then I asked him, he said “yeah idk rn, sorry” I just said “okay don’t apologize for something you don’t want” then he said “yeah I know I still feel bad ya know” I just accepted what’s happening and that’s how this all ended pretty much. Still feeling horrible tbh
Break up after 7 years
… the last 5 years he has been in prison and I have been supporting him (false charges). I’m not sure if he relapsed , if he has been using me for five years, if he is sabotaging himself and our relationship or if he has become something else listening to the people he is in there with… but he suddenly starts saying nasty things to me on my deceased brothers bday, literally a week before he gets out. After literally writing me romantic love letters for 5 years. I clearly can’t stand for it and have to quit him but holy shit it’s painful especially after feeding myself this dream that life will be better and easier when he gets out. Took of the week of work for his release and everything :/ appreciate support
Letting go
Outta the blue I met the love of my life, everything flowed effortlessly and brought out a side of unconditional love I never knew existed. Despite her flaws just her presence brought me happiness. Sometimes you have to learn to let go though and walk away for your own well being. Her drinking issue had gotten worse and she had pushed away everyone in her life that cared about her. Both me and her best friend. Her parents weren’t loving or supportive people. As much as I wanted to help her I couldn’t, and only dragged myself into a dark place. I just hope she gets the helps she needs
He answered the phone…im torn
I called him and he answered the phone clearly with a woman. He said its never going to be the same and said he needs to “get back to what he was doing”. And hung up. My heart is shattered… its only been 2 months. I feel like im the only one grieving while hes out doing God knows what. It makes me wonder how replaceable i really am. Ill never reach out again. guys please understand this, i know heartbreak is painful but if your ex has not reached out, do not initiate contact. I feel so much worse now
He sees no future with me
Four years ago my husband died from Covid and a friend of mine ( we were friends for over 20 years) helped me and came to my side. He broke up with his life partner and I was widowed and we began a relationship that turned into a situation ship. About 2 years in he told me he wants to continue living with his ex as a co parent but there was nothing going on ( they have two kids together) I was fine with that - last week he says he does not see a future with me he wants to devote his time and life to his kids. Not sure how to keep the friendship and move on. And never will be able to understand why someone I knew and trusted would sleep with me after my husband died then go back to his ex. I know I have to move on but it isn’t easy.
Got played
I fell in love with this girl just to find out she was playing other dudes when u was telling me she loved me. My heart is cold now
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