Breaking up is never easy, but navigating the challenges becomes even more complicated when you share a living space with your ex. Usual breakup advice—like putting distance between yourself and your former partner—feels nearly impossible when you’re living under the same roof. In this article, we’ll discuss some steps you can take to protect your healing after breaking up with someone you live with.
Cohabitation and Heartbreak: Navigating a Breakup While Living Together
If you find yourself in this tricky situation, you aren’t alone. A recent study from Pew Research found that 59% of U.S. adults between the ages of 18 and 44 have cohabitated with a partner, while just 50% are married. This means more people every year are facing the unique challenges of breaking up while living together.
Ending a relationship with a domestic partner takes effort and commitment. Fortunately, healing from heartbreak while managing the situation is possible. From ensuring both of you understand the relationship is over, to setting boundaries and exploring new living arrangements, below are some concrete steps to help you smoothly navigate this transition.
1. Get On the Same Page
Many people in relationships who live with a partner are afraid to initiate a breakup when they’re unhappy. As uncomfortable as these conversations are, living in discontent isn’t healthy. It’s much better to officially break up than to “fake it” or live your life miserably in the relationship.
The most important part of breaking up with someone you live with is ensuring you are both on the same page about the relationship being over. Understandably, this can be difficult. Living together blurs boundary lines and can often lead to mixed signals. However, the healing process can only begin once you’ve gained clarity.
This starts by having an open, honest conversation with your partner. If you’re the one initiating the breakup, find a time to sit down without distractions so you can calmly discuss your feelings. If your domestic partner has said they want to break up, a discussion is equally important. You deserve an opportunity to express your feelings while allowing your partner to do the same.
Voicing the breakup in a way everyone understands helps prevent misinterpretations and confusion later on. It also sets the stage for other crucial steps that must be taken so you can start to heal.
2. Explore Your Living Options
Finding a new place to live probably won’t happen overnight, especially if the breakup was a surprise. However, starting the process as soon as possible is essential for creating some physical space between you and your ex.
Start by looking at your current living situation. Can either of you move in with a family member or friend temporarily? Can you find (and afford) a new place to rent?
The answer to these questions will vary based on your budget and the local housing market. You must also consider your existing lease and whether its terms allow you or your partner to terminate it early. Sometimes, moving out may not be feasible for a few months or longer.
In this case, it’s important to create a timeline for when you plan to find a new place. Communicating this plan with your ex helps manage expectations and can alleviate some of the tension that comes from living together after a breakup. It also gives you something to look forward to.
Although a sudden move isn’t ideal, healing is easier in a supportive, low-stress environment. Actively seeking new living arrangements or, at the very least, establishing a timeline for moving out are important steps toward rebuilding your independence after the breakup.
3. Have a Discussion About Boundaries
The success or failure of breaking up with someone you live with depends heavily on the boundaries you set. Seeing your ex just once after a breakup can stir up strong negative emotions. Living together means you’re constantly exposed to them. It’s normal for this to feel very overwhelming.
It’s also normal to crave comfort after a breakup, and your live-in ex is a convenient source. However, continuing to engage with them emotionally (or physically) only prolongs the pain.
Setting boundaries helps you both navigate this challenging time with respect and consideration. Within a day or two of the breakup, sit down to discuss the specific boundaries you’ll follow. Some important topics to cover might include:
- Common areas: Decide how you’ll share spaces like the kitchen, living room, and bathroom. Scheduling when each person can use these areas can help minimize overlap and tension.
- Personal space: It’s important for both people to have a private sanctuary at home. Whether it’s a bedroom or simply a corner of a shared room, having personal space is crucial for emotional well-being and should be respected.
- Interactions: Set guidelines for how you’ll communicate. Determine what sort of contact is acceptable (like a cordial morning greeting) and what should be avoided (physical greetings like a hug after work). Establishing rules on shared responsibilities like chores and paying bills is another important step.
4. Avoid Rehashing the Breakup
Breaking up with someone you live with often leads to constant reminders of what went wrong. To heal effectively, it’s crucial to avoid picking at the emotional wound. Continually bringing up the reasons why you broke up or engaging in arguments about past issues only prolongs the pain and prevents both of you from moving on.
While it’s important to have an initial conversation, repeatedly discussing the breakup can be counterproductive. Instead, focus on practical matters and the necessary interactions for living peacefully under the same roof.
Additionally, be mindful of your actions and your words. It’s easy to constantly blame or criticize your ex. There’s a reason why you broke up, after all!
However, these behaviors can intensify your negative feelings and hinder your healing process. Practicing empathy and patience is the best way to get through this challenging time without doing more harm.
5. Prioritize Self-Care
Amidst the stress and emotional turmoil of breaking up while living together, it’s essential to prioritize self-care. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as reading, watching a favorite movie, or exercising, will help you maintain a sense of stability.
Maintaining a routine that supports your physical health is equally important. Ensure you’re eating well, getting enough sleep, and staying active. Working out after a breakup has numerous benefits, and a healthy body is an important step toward a healthy mind.
Take Control of Your Healing with Breakup Buddy
Navigating a breakup while living together is challenging, but with the right approach, you can make the best of the situation. Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone.
The Breakup Buddy app is here to support you every step of the way. Jumpstart your healing journey with AI-based tools designed to help you understand your emotions, personalized recovery plans, and guided journaling prompts. Plus, you can connect with a community of people who understand what you’re going through and find ways to heal together.
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