“Did I make the right choice?”
“Why did I leave after our fight?”
“Should I have acted differently to help save my relationship?”
These are only a sampling of the questions you might be asking yourself after a breakup, but thoughts like these are incredibly common. Whether you’re the one who initiated the split or the one who got left behind, feeling breakup regret is normal.
Understanding what causes this feeling (and what you can do about it) is an important part of the healing process. Since breakup regret can come from many different sources, reflecting on your relationship and what went wrong is a key step. From there, you can learn to move past the regret and enjoy life without its heavy burden on your shoulders.
What is Regret?
Regret is a very complex emotion. It comes in many shapes and sizes, but even the smallest kernel of regret can negatively impact your mood. You might wish you’d ordered something else after seeing your friend’s food come out at a restaurant. Maybe you deeply miss your umbrella after leaving it in the car on a rainy day. Or, you might regret breaking things off with a partner after a fight—even if it was ultimately the right decision. No matter the source, the gut-wrenching anxiety and disappointment can keep you stuck in the past.
In the context of relationships, regret often comes from a belief that your actions led to the negative outcome. Regretting a breakup because you think you caused it is especially painful. If this all sounds familiar, you aren’t alone. One study found that 19% of people who were surveyed to represent an average sample of Americans had regrets about a romantic relationship.
In other words, regretting a breakup is normal. Likewise, it’s easy to let these feelings overwhelm you and start spiraling out of control.
Learning how to process breakup regret and move past it is the difference between healing and dwelling in sadness.
The Sources of Breakup Regret
Lingering feelings of breakup regret can stem from various sources, each with unique emotional nuances. Understanding why you regret the end of your relationship can help you identify and process your feelings more effectively. Let’s examine a few of the most common factors that might leave you regretting a breakup.
1. Leaving After a Fight
Emotions run high during conflicts, and decisions made in the heat of the moment can sometimes lead to breakups. Suppose you ended a relationship after a particularly intense argument. In that case, you might regret acting impulsively and wish you had given yourself and your partner time to cool down and communicate more calmly.
Do note, though, that frequent arguing is a bigger relationship problem. One fight is rarely the reason a couple ends things. Although you might regret breaking up after a fight, try to reflect on whether or not that one moment was truly what caused you to split up. Chances are, the writing had been on the wall for some time.
2. Wanting to Do Things Differently
Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back, it’s easier to see all the moments you could have acted differently. Whether it’s communicating more openly, showing more affection, or handling disagreements more constructively, reflecting on how you interacted with your partner is normal. The regret that may stem from it often focuses on missed opportunities and the belief that a different approach could have saved your relationship.
3. Staying Too Long
On the flip side, you may regret staying in a relationship longer than you should have. If you endured unhealthy patterns or ignored red flags, you might regret not leaving sooner. The same is true for on-and-off relationships where you repeatedly break up and get back together with an ex in a toxic cycle.
Both scenarios can leave you regretting the time you now feel is wasted. The emotional exhaustion from staying in a bad relationship for too long can also negatively impact your mental and physical health.
4. Hurting Your Partner
Regret can also come from the pain you caused your partner. Whether it was through mean words, neglect, or betrayal, knowing that your actions hurt someone you cared about can lead to deep remorse. The act of splitting up can also hurt, leaving you feeling guilty for breaking another person’s heart. That guilt is difficult to bear, but identifying and processing the feeling is the best way to get through it.
5. Acting in Ways You Aren’t Proud Of
Sometimes, breakups bring out the worst in us. If you acted in ways that go against your personal values or standards—such as lying, cheating, or being overly harsh—you might struggle with regret and shame. This type of regret is often about the need to reconcile your actions with your sense of self and integrity. Though these actions don’t define you, it’s important to reflect on how they make you feel so you can avoid repeating those mistakes in the future.
Ways to Move Past Breakup Regret
Regretting a breakup is a common and natural part of the healing process. While it’s important to acknowledge and understand your regret, it’s equally crucial not to let it consume you. Here are some practical ways you can cope and move forward:
- Reflect & Learn: Take time to reflect on what happened and why you feel regretful. Journaling can be a helpful tool for organizing your thoughts and gaining insight into your emotions. Use this as an opportunity to learn from your experiences and find ways to grow in the future.
- Practice Forgiveness: Forgiving yourself for your mistakes is a vital step in the healing process. Remember that everyone makes mistakes. What’s important is that you’re willing to learn and improve. If you resent your ex, working towards forgiving them can also be a catalyst for healing.
- Focus on the Present: Regret often keeps us anchored in the past. Try to shift your focus to the present moment by engaging in activities that bring you joy and by spending time with those you love. Staying present can help you write a new narrative for your life that isn’t defined by past regrets.
- Set Realistic Expectations: It’s easy to idealize the past and think that everything would have been perfect if you had acted differently. But relationships are complex, and there’s no guarantee that different actions would have led to a different outcome. Dwelling on the past doesn’t let you change it. The best thing you can do is reflect honestly and be prepared to do things differently next time.
- Embrace Growth: Viewing your regret as a catalyst for personal growth is an excellent way to start working past it. Every experience, no matter how painful, can teach us valuable lessons. Embrace the growth that comes from reflecting on your past actions and use it to become a better version of yourself.
Don’t Let Regretting a Breakup Keep You Down
Regretting a breakup is a common emotional response, but it doesn’t have to define you or your future. Understanding the sources of your regret is step one. Then, by taking proactive steps to process and overcome it, you can find peace and move forward with greater self-awareness.
Breakup Buddy is the ideal healing companion to accompany you on every step of your journey. With journaling tools and reflections, plus emotion tracking and resources for understanding your regret, the app is designed to help you overcome the challenges of your breakup and reach the road to happiness faster.
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