To My First Love… (a poem)

I hate that you made me love you. I hate that you said you loved me too. I hate that I believed it— That silly little lie. Well… now it’s over. And I can’t seem to forget. Forget your kisses, And arms that made me feel safe. Safe… until you started to let go. You always denied it. Always said it wasn’t true. But then why did you sleep peacefully While I was crying so much that it hurt? Pain. That seemed to be a constant theme. I cared more about you than I cared about myself. And it drained me— every single day. Staying up all night just to make sure you got home safe. But you couldn’t stay awake long enough to say goodnight. Calling you because I missed your voice. Just for you to hang up without a word. Counting down the minutes until it was finally your birthday. Well I guess you forgot the day starts at twelve, because it took you until one to remember mine. Spending hours picking out the perfect gift. I’m still waiting for mine… Posting you for everyone to see. Well I don’t think you liked that very much. You told me to take it down. Calling other girls fine and baddies. Then calling me crazy when I spoke up. But of course you were just joking. It was just your humor. But you know what else is funny? The fact that after everything you put me through… You still claimed that you cared. Baby… you don’t know what caring is. And now I’m over here looking stupid. Because I wanted to believe every lie you told me. Every lie that made me feel like I meant something to you. I didn’t. Because now, One week after going our separate ways, You found another girl. Maybe one. Maybe two. Maybe three. But you seem to be doing pretty well. You seem to be getting all of that female affirmation, That you so desperately needed while we were together. So congratulations. You broke the one girl that loved you more than anything. And now… you get to break another. I wish I could say I’m over you. Just like I know you’re over me. But I’m not. Everything reminds me of you. And I can’t help but wonder if you ever miss me. Miss the way we laughed. The way we held each other like nothing else mattered. The way we understood each other. Unfortunately… I understood you too well. I understood that you’d never love me as much as I love you. Your pride, your ego— They’ll get in the way Of ever finding a healthy relationship. So unless you’re finally ready to grow up and commit… I have to let you go. Because if I don’t, I will never find that healthy love that I had to leave you for. Not because I don’t love you. I do. I really do. And I always will. But I deserve to be loved too. I deserve to get all of those things that I gave you. I gave you so much, and I don’t think you realize that yet. One day you will. But by then, I’ll already be gone. And you’ll sit with the thought that you might never find someone like me ever again. And honestly… you might not. But that won’t be my problem anymore. I hate that you made me love you. I hate that I still do. And I hate that I could never hate you. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. But even if I never hate you, I will find a way to love me too.