Just got dumped again yesterday

Over the past 9 years he’s dumped me over a dozen times. Then he asks me to come back and I do. I don’t even know what I did this time, he just ghosted me out of the blue. The pain is so debilitating. I’ve been to counselors begging for help but they can’t help me because I can’t help myself. I feel so alone, everyone around me is happy - or at least normal and I’m in the bell jar