So so lost

It’s been 2 1/2 months since he broke up with me. I still can’t accept it. I can’t tell if it’s my ego, or the fact that I really truly feel like I lost my best life and love. Or definitely both. We were together for 2 years. Lived together, merged families, built a life that fulfilled me. But clearly didn’t fulfill him. I can’t understand it. I can’t accept it. I desperately want it back but logically I know I have no choice. 3 days ago we hung out and I lost it. I begged. It was pitiful and embarrassing. But at the same time a relief to get my feelings out. I left with my tail tucked and haven’t contacted him since. I feel like texting him to apologize for my behavior, but the motive for that is probably just to make myself look more redeeming in his eyes. Ugh, I just feel so desperate. I can’t seem to find it in me to move on and let go. I have had a literal pit in my stomach that only goes away when we are in contact. Why is this so hard to accept? Do you advise I stay in no contact? I know the answer… I hate this so much. Hardest thing I’ve ever been through.