First Love- make this make sense!

So the breakup happened in August last year.. and I have been through hell the past 9 months. To explain, it was his first relationship and I had had two short terms and a situationship before him, so I was experienced (ish) and he was not at all. We were together 18 months and we did a lot of firsts together. Things at the start were perfect, he put in the effort, he made plans, he was caring, supportive, funny, charming. Really the person I needed. I had never felt this way about someone before and at 3 months, I knew how I felt. But around then, when i started to hint how i felt, he started to withdraw- not completely, just in little things. I thought this was us getting comfortable and the honeymoon phase waring off. I was cautious that because this was his first relationship and i knew he wasn’t open with his family, that he, like me, struggled witb feelings and pressure. So eventually I said I loved him in a card- nothing cringey, just honest. And this was around 11 months in. He said he didn’t know how he felt- and I believed (still do) he looked so scared and vulnerable. But we both agreed we wanted to stay together because we had so much planned. This is where it went downhill His best online friend, who we met a few times and played games with, started to poke holes when we met up, saying we didn’t do pda and we always seemed two feet apart- she has a partner and a child with them and didn’t like it if he played games with me on our own. But he showed me the texts between them (i never asked) he said she was just a friend and I believed him. He started to withdraw again, saying that the distance was effecting us- and it was he lives in the city- 50 min drive and i live in a small town, he has to get the train and i usually drove up so we could only see eachother on weekends. He said we were both on different points in life- he had more savings to move out- i do not, but i changed that for him. But whenever we were alone- trips away- he was himself, we loved eachother’s company and he did the small things, never let me go without a brew, always looked after me- bought me thoughtful gifts for my birthday, spoke to me softly when we were alone- and when friends and family saw us together they could see how much he cared and how well we fit. In the end he withdrew again and I couldn’t deal with it- i got upset- we both were and he couldn’t bring himself to break up with me because he genuinley didn’t know. In the end i had to call him out over Snapchat of all places and we called and he said he didn’t know his own feelings, didn’t know what he was doing with his job or life and that I deserved someone that could say they loved me. He wanted to be friends and i said i needed space, we both cried and we said goodbye. I removed him off most things and kept gaming with our mutual friend but she got caught in the middle of us both wanting to game with her at the same time, so we fell out. when i tried to reach out a few months later he pushed me away and said he wasn’t ready and i removed and re added him. A few times, eventually i sent him a text say why i did that and that i still had feelings for him. And how the fallout with his friend made me feel. He left me on read It’s been 9 months and im still questioning why? Why did he not come back? I would love to be friends with them both again but I tried to reach out to him a few months ago and he just declined it. Everyone says its best to move on and “let it go” but its like I physically can’t and I am trying everything- exercise, hobbies, new friends and no one is scratching that itch or filling that hole that he left. So yeah help me make sense of what on earth changed and why he doesn’t want anything to do with me now. 👍🏻