Not sure if I made the right decision
The break up happened 2 days ago so it’s still extremely fresh. We were together for 7 years but have been struggling for the last few years because we both work long hours and the communication and affection wasn’t there anymore. I’ve been going through hormone issues; so I have an extremely low libido and pretty much no desire for intimacy. I only had basic ground rules in our relationship from the beginning and one of them being no onlyfans because it’s too personal. I don’t care if he watches porn, but getting explicit messages from a specific person is not appropriate to me. I caught him using a similar website to onlyfans about 2 years ago because of an email he received, but he said the account was old and he didn’t remember using it. I caught him again two weeks ago because of his Instagram algorithm being filled with onlyfans women. He said Instagram was just being weird and bought me flowers the following day. I had a bad feeling and the last 2 weeks I had been trying to check his phone but he was super guarded with it .. which made me even more suspicious. He got a new laptop recently so I went on it when he wasn’t home. Long story short - he did have an onlyfans account. He wiped it clean so I couldn’t see what he was looking at or what he had previously paid for. He told me he did this after the Instagram thing. In the heat of the moment I broke up with him and he came clean, but his reasons have made the break up more painful. He basically admitted he didn’t think to care about my feelings in the moment; and that the curiosity and urge to look outweighed anything else. We are still living together and I cannot financially afford to leave quite yet. We talked things out and we are civil currently, but the pain I feel is deep. I moved to a new state for him in 2020 so I have no family near me, either, so I feel trapped and alone. Everyone keeps saying I need to move back home but my job is important to me and I’m still in the training stages (it’s 2 years long I have about 5 months left) so I can’t just transfer or work somewhere else. I want so badly to give him a hug and tell him I forgive him but I know in the long run it’s not sustainable because a relationship can’t function without trust. I thought once we talked the hurt would go away but I woke up at 4 am sobbing. I feel abandoned and uncared for. I feel unimportant and like I never have been a priority. I just know I don’t prioritize myself or what I truly need, I just want what’s convenient and easy. I don’t want to work through my feelings or emotions- I just want everything to reset. Maybe it would have been better if I never found out? Maybe I overreacted and shouldn’t have broken up with him…. But then I’m like he was continuously doing something he knew I was not okay with. It wasn’t a once or twice thing, he was doing this for years, and I got him to admit that he would have never told me if I didn’t find out. It’s easy for him to say he’s sorry and wants to regain my trust, but he didn’t take the steps to be honest with me in the first place. He didn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth even 2 weeks ago. Idk where I’m going with this I just don’t know what I should even do.