day 5 – i made it worse today, but i’m still here.

today hurt. not because something new happened. but because i went back. i listened to his voice again. i read our old chats. i let myself fall back into that world where i believed everything was fine. i don’t even know why i did it. maybe because i hoped it would make me feel closer to something real again. or maybe because i still want answers. but all it did was reopen the wound. i realized today that when i’m outside, busy, around people – he fades a little. but the moment i’m home, alone with my thoughts, he comes back. in memories. in imagined conversations. in dreams about things that never happened. and it’s hard because what we had didn’t end with a bang – it just vanished. one minute there was something between us, and the next… silence. but there was no warning, no shift, no “this doesn’t feel right” moment. just quiet. and now all that’s left are my questions echoing into nothing. and i know deep down: i don’t even want to talk to him to heal. i want to talk to him to feel again. to get some sort of reaction. to matter. but that’s not healing. that’s chasing. and i don’t want to chase someone who runs. so today i hurt. but i’m still here. and tomorrow is a new chance to choose better.