day 39

today was hard in a quiet kind of way. i stayed home for the first time instead of running from place to place, and for the first time in a while, i really sat with the pain. it was heavy. i felt everything. but i knew i had to. i realized i’ve been distracting myself so much lately – seeing friends, staying busy – just so i wouldn’t have to feel how bad this actually hurts. but that only made it worse. it all built up. and today it hit me. there’s still a part of me that’s angry at him – for not showing up, for not caring, for acting like i didn’t matter. and yet, there’s also a part of me that misses him in ways i can’t even explain. not just the person, but the idea of what i wanted us to be. what confuses me most is that, even after everything, a part of me still wants to feel close to him. i hate that. i hate that he still has that power. but i also know that’s not real love – it’s pain pretending to be love. i slept a lot today. because sleeping is the only time i don’t think about him. and for now, that’s my peace. i know this is gonna take time. and i know this feeling won’t last forever. but today, i gave myself space. and honestly – that’s a big deal.