Lost soul

I don’t know what to do anymore because i’m so lost. I miss him and i just can’t do it anymore. I can’t reach out because i blocked him and every one says to be done but no one knows how hard it is to be done with someone u planned on being with for a while. He made me happy. I loved him and i love when i was with him but i’m lost now and i don’t want to date anymore because i’m always the one who gets hurt all the time because i give people chance after chance to change and they never do. I hate this feeling i’ve been having missing him and wanting to talk to him sucks. i don’t want him again but i do miss him and it’s embarrassing to even say that. every one of my friends says he treated u like shit but it wasn’t all him it was me too. we both did. I don’t know what to do anymore i’m losing myself again and i just don’t want to be around anyone anymore. It’s definitely not easy moving on at all. I thought we were finally in a good space and doing good. then we started fighting and then it just went downhill from there. i want to cry every day. but i don’t because i’m strong and i know crying is good but i just don’t know anymore. it’s so embarrassing twllinf ur friends u miss someone who doesn’t even care about you. he made me feel like i was doing something wrong all the time. idk