When you decide it’s time to start pursuing a new relationship after a breakup, the thought of finding what you want in a partner can be daunting. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed by questions like, “Should they share my passion for fitness?” or “Do I need someone whose religious values align with mine?” Maybe you’re focused on more specific traits, like certain physical attributes or lifestyle preferences. Whether it’s conscious or not, we all have a list of relationship needs and wants in mind when searching for love.
Understanding the difference between the two and creating a clear image of your future partner significantly impacts the relationships you form. This process of self-reflection isn’t easy, but it can be an empowering step in moving forward after a breakup. Knowing your needs is the foundation for a more fulfilling romantic connection in the future.
Being clear about the distinction between wants and needs in a relationship helps you navigate the dating world with confidence. However, staying open to the unexpected can also lead to wonderful surprises. Balancing the things you want and need is a delicate dance, but doing so is key to finding a partner who truly complements you.
The Difference Between Wants and Needs in a Relationship
You probably won’t be surprised to hear that compatibility plays a crucial role in whether a relationship succeeds or ends in heartbreak. When you have the right “fit” with a partner, you complement each other, and everything seems easier. Of course, compatibility can have many meanings. Your expectations for a partner might prioritize abstract traits like personality and attachment style. They may also include more concrete characteristics like appearance, height, economic status, or age.
Unsurprisingly, research shows that couples with a high degree of compatibility are more likely to be successful. Though there are many different tests and metrics to measure compatibility (some are more scientific than others), what truly matters is your perception.
If you don’t think a partner matches your criteria for a relationship, you likely won’t be happy with them. On the other hand, when two people meet each other’s wants and needs, the love between them can be effortless.
But where is the line between a want and a need in a relationship? Ultimately, it’s your decision.
It can be helpful to think of a “need” as anything you value in a partner that is non-negotiable. If you can’t imagine dating someone who lacks these characteristics, a relationship with them almost certainly won’t work.
Relationship “wants” can be trickier. You might value a potential partner’s appearance or lifestyle. However, you may also be willing to overlook those traits if they check all of your “need” boxes and many other “wants.”
Knowing Your Needs Can Make Your Next Relationship More Successful
Before entering a new relationship, it’s important to have a good understanding of what you need from it. Without knowing what you need from a partner to support you and your relationship, it’s difficult to judge whether the two of you will be a good fit together.
Identifying your needs involves deep self-reflection. Think about your past relationships—what worked and what didn’t? What are the core values and traits that you absolutely must have in a partner? These might include qualities like honesty, respect, emotional support, or shared life goals.
For example, if you value open communication, a partner who is emotionally unavailable might not be a good fit for you, no matter how many of your “wants” they fulfill.
Knowing your needs before connecting with someone new can also help you avoid common pitfalls. For instance, you might be tempted to overlook certain red flags because the person has many of your “wants.” However, if they don’t meet your needs, the relationship isn’t likely to be fulfilling in the long run.
Research also supports the importance of having your needs met in a relationship. One study found that the presence (or lack) of key psychological needs in a partner can predict relationship satisfaction levels. These needs vary from person to person, and different attachment styles can influence how you prioritize your needs. However, the underlying principle remains the same: having your needs met is crucial to the success of any relationship.
When to Keep Your Mind Open
No test can say for certain whether two people will be compatible. However, it can be encouraging to remember that knowing what needs you must have met in a relationship is a step toward finding your ideal partner.
When it comes to wants, though, it may be best to keep your mind open. You might want your partner to be over six feet tall or share the same hobbies as you. But don’t let these “wants” overshadow the needs you’ve already identified. If a potential partner checks your “need” boxes, you might be surprised at what else you align on. Sometimes, taking a chance on someone can help you discover traits you didn’t even know you’d love.
Keeping an open mind while dating can be scary, but know that you aren’t alone. Research shows that 74% of people are willing to ignore some of their predetermined preferences to go on a date when they’re presented with a potential partner.
Striking the Balance of Relationship Needs and Wants
As you navigate the journey of finding the right partner, remember that understanding your relationship needs and wants is crucial. Needs are the non-negotiable traits that you must have in a partner for the relationship to work, while wants are the desirable attributes that, although nice to have, shouldn’t overshadow your essential needs. By reflecting on the difference between the two and taking time to discover your priorities, you can set yourself up for a more successful and fulfilling relationship.
Don’t be afraid to take chances and remain open-minded about potential partners who may not meet every item on your “want” list. Sometimes, these surprises help you discover new qualities you hadn’t considered before. The key is to strike a balance—hold firm on your needs, but be flexible with your wants. This approach not only enhances your chances of finding the right fit but also makes your dating experience more engaging.
Most of all, the journey to finding your ideal partner is unique to you. Trust yourself, know what you need, stay open to new possibilities, and you’ll be well on your way to building a meaningful and satisfying relationship.
The Breakup Buddy app is an ideal companion for helping you recover from heartbreak. When you’re ready to start dating again, you can use the app’s interactive tools to understand your emotions better and use the convenient journaling features to reflect on the needs and wants you value in a relationship. Go beyond healing and start learning about yourself today with a free trial!
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