Ending things with a partner rarely feels anything but gut-wrenching. Whether you’re the one initiating the breakup or you’re on the receiving end, guilt often comes into play when a relationship ends. Whatever the source, breakup guilt can seriously hamper your healing if you don’t deal with it.
Going through a breakup is hard enough. So when you also have to face feelings of guilt, the process of moving on becomes even more overwhelming. Finding a way to process your emotions so you can start to heal is essential. Though this might take some time, the first step to battling your guilt after a breakup is understanding what went wrong.
Remember: Breakup Guilt is Normal
It’s important to remember that breakups happen for many reasons and are simply a hazard of being in the dating world. Most splits aren’t one person’s fault. Often, both partners could have done something differently to avoid the breakup entirely or at least make the separation a bit smoother.
Studies show that guilt is one of the most common emotions people feel after going through a breakup for any reason. It’s right up there with sadness, anger, and even relief. Notably, research shows that feeling guilty after a breakup is more common if you’re the one who initiated the split. However, either partner can feel guilty, especially after ending a long-term relationship or if they cheated while in the relationship.
Things that happen during the relationship can also contribute to feeling guilty when it ends. For example, a partner who is verbally aggressive or controlling can negatively impact your ability to cope after a breakup. As a result, you might feel guilty for staying in the relationship so long or spend too much time wondering if the split was your fault.
In other words, feeling guilty isn’t your fault. It’s a natural reaction to losing a person you cared about and the heavy emotions that come with it.
Take Time to Reflect on Why You Feel Guilty After a Breakup
Before you can start to heal after a breakup, you must deal with the flood of negative emotions that come with it. There’s one task you need to accomplish first, though: reflecting on why you feel guilty. These steps can help you process your feelings and move toward healing and happiness.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Believe it or not, you might not even realize you’re feeling guilty after a breakup. this might sound impossible, but guilt often likes to disguise itself behind other emotions like anger or sadness. So first, it’s important to acknowledge any breakup guilt you might be feeling.
To do so, ask yourself how and what you’re feeling. It can be helpful to have a chart that lists common emotions to spark your thought process. Digging deeper into what you’re feeling helps you identify specific emotions, like guilt.
2. What Went Right? What Went Wrong?
Figuring out where your breakup guilt is coming from is the next step. After splitting up with a partner, you may feel guilty for a number of reasons. Perhaps you think you did something that made them fall out of love with you. Or, maybe you feel guilty for ending an imperfect relationship because you’re now lonely. You might even feel guilty for not trying harder to prevent the breakup. Remember, guilt isn’t limited to one person. You can feel guilt for the pain caused by the breakup, regardless of your role.
While processing these questions is helpful, you should also take time to consider what went right in your relationship. Did you and your ex have fun adventures that took you out of your comfort zone? Did you pick up a new healthy habit from them?
Having a balance between the positives and negatives can help alleviate your feelings of guilt by giving you a better understanding of the relationship. It can also support your decision to break up with your partner or make coping easier if they broke things off with you.
In fact, one study showed that those who have a strong understanding of the reasons for a breakup are less likely to internalize negative emotions. They also felt more confident to start new relationships in the future.
3. Talk About It
There’s only so much emotional processing you can do with everything trapped in your head. If you’re feeling guilty, talking to someone else can help. Sharing your thoughts and feelings is an incredibly effective way to process breakup guilt and the other negative emotions you’re dealing with.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to a friend or loved one, a therapist or counselor could help. You can also use Breakup Buddy’s specially designed suite of tools to process your guilt on your schedule. The app’s AI healing companion guides you through science-based exercises to create a safe space to vent, learn about yourself, and heal after a breakup.
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Moving On and Healing
Once you’ve identified and processed your guilt, you should set your sights on the future. The pain of a breakup is intense, but it doesn’t last forever. It’s important to find ways to heal and forgive yourself for any guilt you may feel.
Over time, not dealing with feelings of guilt can cause other problems for your physical and mental health. Research shows that letting guilt go unchecked can result in depression, anxiety, and paranoia. This is the last thing you want after a breakup, so it’s essential to learn about your guilt, process it, and move on.
One study found that those who were satisfied with their social network (friends, family, co-workers) and found support through it were less guilty, angry, and sad after breaking up with a partner. Keep this in mind when working through your feelings. Talking with others and having a strong social circle is key to the healing process.
Conclusion
Feeling guilty is normal after a breakup. However, you shouldn’t let guilt stop you from healing. By understanding why you feel guilty and working through the emotions, you’ll put yourself on the fast track to happiness.
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